I'll Give You Something To Cry About!

Quiz Time: So you're a nineteen year old woman and, for reasons unknown to us, but for which you should probably seek some sort of therapy, you get into a "dispute" with your nine year old neighbor. Maybe she really pissed you off (that's what being nine is all about!) What is the proper way to resolve this conflict?

A) Walk away, because, come on, you're fighting with a little kid!
B) Make a training bra joke, because that's hiilarious!
C) Calmly reason with her, pretending that you are an adult.
D) Yank on her stupid, ugly ponytail.
E) Challenge her to a wicked jump-rope-off.
F) Kill her pets!

If you answered F, you are correct:

According to authorities, Smith killed the hamster with her hands and threw the pet across the street during a dispute with the owner. The hamster belonged to a 9-year-old child.

Oh, but it gets so much better. Because this hamster got the full-on Crossing Jordan treatment:

Results of a necropsy at ASPCA's Bergh Memorial Animal Hospital revealed that the hamster had suffered blunt force trauma, liver damage and an associated hemorrhage.

I'm glad they pinpointed the exact cause of death! After all, without this groundbreaking necropsy it would be possible to believe the hamster just died of old age while flying through the air!