Van Dammage

Anyone who, like your fearless leader, grew up watching Jean-Claude Van Damme movies every single weekend will enjoy Grady Hendrix's ode to the Muscles From Brussels, including a discussion of his upcoming role as himself in J.C.V.D. in J.C.V.D. It's only slightly embarrassing to recall that the two most influential action heroes of my youth were Jean-Claude and Steven Seagal. But of these two, it was clearly Jean-Claude I adored the most. Why was this so? It's hard to pin down in any logical way: neither is exactly a cinematic force of nature. So let's just blame it on psychosexual desire. Jean-Claude is pretty cute, in a goofy Belgian way, and ripped to boot! When he smiles, he looks nice. When Steven smiles, he looks demented. Plus, the ponytail. Not sexy! The other clue to my Jean-Claude fascination was that my brother preferred Steven -- both were students of Aikido. Sibling rivalry and Jean-Claude faintly homosexual erotic allure, then, are the best answer I have as to why I preferred Van Damme to Indiana Jones.

Here are a couple of my favorite Hendrix-bites:

Jean-Claude Van Damme started out in life as a baby, which was tremendously frustrating for him because babies are, by their very nature, skinny and weak.

Jean-Claude has three expressions: worried, charming, and doing a split. Of the three, doing a split is the most convincing.

Whether he's playing a serial killer, a time-traveling cop, an off-duty firefighter, a day laborer, or a member of the French Foreign Legion, he always manages to wind up in situations that require him to bare his muscular bottom.