War Is Sexy
In our long-ago youths, my friend Alex and I (and some of our others friends) created a number of fantasy and science fiction worlds which developed, in our dorky teens, into roleplaying games. Over the last month or so, we've been piecing these back together. I'll admit that Alex has both a greater memory and a greater treasure-trove of artifacts from that era, so he's done most of the work. [For those interested, our effort is being conducted here]
Recently, Alex uncovered the greatest legendary manuscript of them all. It's almost certainly the oldest extant piece of writing I did (I was, I think, 15 or so) unless some other apocryphal materials still exist in Alex's vaults. The story is called "The Fires of Morning" and is set in our science fiction Galactic Star universe -- populated by all manner of aliens races but no humans. "The Fires of Morning" tells the story of General Ezra Cioste, a vicious Ches warlord. The Ches were the repositories of so many of our childish lusts -- an ultra-sexual race who do nothing but kill people and fuck people. As you can imagine, the resulting fictional opus is so fantastic I can barely stand it myself. Here are some examples of my visionary prose stylings:
"The [Blooded Virgin] Walker wasn't without its predictable ches perversions of course. The breasts were filled with napalm to spray at will over the enemies. The Ninth Lady preferred the term 'Lover's Milk.'"
"Almost single-handedly the Blooded Virgin had pulled the ches forces out of certain death and into the righteous glow of victory. Ezra could have kissed her. Instead, he laid her."
"Ezra bolted past the castrated soldier on his way to kill some Kliato bitches."
"That thought brought back memories of the Battle of Gelgesk Fort and the pretty little phontonite wench he had literally screwed to death. Those phantonites just can't take the screwing."
"He blew one away easily enough as he drew his blaster, the next he took out with his lucky dagger, shoving it erotically up her exposed genitalia."
"After the minor confusion of where in the hell was his dick, he managed to give the pilot a nice, thorough workout."
"Everything on Genevieve's Walker once more froze, except for the breasts. They heaved as if breathing heavily, nipples pointing directly at the priest's exposed cockpit. And, with a final surge of Walker-quaking energy, Genevive's prized Lover's Milk, her deadly napalm, spewed forth onto the pilot."
Pretty sexy, huh? But the best, by far, is this one:
"One particularly feminist priestess threw a man who was busy screwing the brains out of a young fighter pilot against a wall, castrated him with half the spin of her deadly weapon and viciously pinned his nuts to his face with the second twist of a wrist."
Man, I was awesome.
Recently, Alex uncovered the greatest legendary manuscript of them all. It's almost certainly the oldest extant piece of writing I did (I was, I think, 15 or so) unless some other apocryphal materials still exist in Alex's vaults. The story is called "The Fires of Morning" and is set in our science fiction Galactic Star universe -- populated by all manner of aliens races but no humans. "The Fires of Morning" tells the story of General Ezra Cioste, a vicious Ches warlord. The Ches were the repositories of so many of our childish lusts -- an ultra-sexual race who do nothing but kill people and fuck people. As you can imagine, the resulting fictional opus is so fantastic I can barely stand it myself. Here are some examples of my visionary prose stylings:
"The [Blooded Virgin] Walker wasn't without its predictable ches perversions of course. The breasts were filled with napalm to spray at will over the enemies. The Ninth Lady preferred the term 'Lover's Milk.'"
"Almost single-handedly the Blooded Virgin had pulled the ches forces out of certain death and into the righteous glow of victory. Ezra could have kissed her. Instead, he laid her."
"Ezra bolted past the castrated soldier on his way to kill some Kliato bitches."
"That thought brought back memories of the Battle of Gelgesk Fort and the pretty little phontonite wench he had literally screwed to death. Those phantonites just can't take the screwing."
"He blew one away easily enough as he drew his blaster, the next he took out with his lucky dagger, shoving it erotically up her exposed genitalia."
"After the minor confusion of where in the hell was his dick, he managed to give the pilot a nice, thorough workout."
"Everything on Genevieve's Walker once more froze, except for the breasts. They heaved as if breathing heavily, nipples pointing directly at the priest's exposed cockpit. And, with a final surge of Walker-quaking energy, Genevive's prized Lover's Milk, her deadly napalm, spewed forth onto the pilot."
Pretty sexy, huh? But the best, by far, is this one:
"One particularly feminist priestess threw a man who was busy screwing the brains out of a young fighter pilot against a wall, castrated him with half the spin of her deadly weapon and viciously pinned his nuts to his face with the second twist of a wrist."
Man, I was awesome.
Labels: Literature
posted by Joshua at 1:58 AM
8 Comments:
THAT BOOK NEEDS TO BE PUBLISHED. I'm so amused/aroused right now it's NOT EVEN FUNNY. Wow. Hilarious. People came out of their offices to see what I was laughing so hard at. Of course, I couldn't tell them, lest HR behead me and fuck my spinal cord.
Brilliant. Although it's enough to make me long for my latency period again.
"Naplam tits." I pity the child she must nurse.
I was going to clarify something for you, Samael, but I realized that even if I'd provided the entire context (i.e. the full text) it still might not have made sense. She rides around in a walker which is a giant robot. So the napalm tits aren't HERS they are the robot's.
Oh. I was confused, too. It makes sense for a woman to have napalm tits. Your story, however, doesn't make sense. What, you're too good for fucking logic?
So, the tits are on the walker-bot-tank and filled with napalm. Okay.
That's somehow more disappointing.
"The napalm leaked out of her tits like a horomone-chugging, lactating drag queen."
For the record, that's completely hilarious. :-)
I remember chasing you and your homebros around with nunchakus for being such pussies
I remember when you and your homebros were into this creative shit. I also remember how I chased you guys around with nunchakus for being such pussies. Seriously though, this story is so sweet I wanna crap my pants. It is Totally Sweet and Awesome.
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